Psychogeek

In between perfect and bad parenting

Nowadays parents may feel like they are not being the best model to their children, spending too little time with them or even have the impression of being losing the big moments of their children’s development. Well, if you’re asking yourself these questions, you are on the right track to be a “good-enough” parent.

The “good-enough mother” is a concept derived from the work of D. W. Winnicott, a famous pediatrician and psychoanalyst, who said:

One of the most challenging aspects of being a parent is to find balance between the well-being of the child and the well-being of the parent. As studies have shown, parenting well requires a well parent, therefore depressed or stressed parents are likely to transfer their emotions to their children.

Distressed mothers, for example, tend to be less responsive and to bond with them in a disrupted manner. A parent’s own experience of being a child and the way they were parented can influence their parenting. In the same way, mental problems, illness, education level or socio-economic factors can affect the parent-child relationships and children development.

It is important to comprehend that, even even though childrens can fall under different categories (commonly speaking: the quiet child, the euphoric, the aggressive, etc.), every child is unique and, therefore, has its own way to show happiness, sadness, hunger, sorrow, needs, etc.
Thus, my suggestion is to avoid considering sources such as tv or the internet as reliable means of parenthood rather focus on finding your own way to understand each other’s needs.

Good caregivers start their parenthood with a complete adaptation to their baby's needs, but as the child grows this bond of dependency needs to decrease, or simply change, to let the child explore the environment, aware of the presence of a secure base where to return if scared, anguished or confused.

As children grow, the attachment with their caregivers is developed and, as E. J. M. Bowlby, psychologist, psychiatrist, and psychoanalyst, would say, early experiences in childhood are important for influencing development and behavior later in life.
Thanks to Bowlby’s attachment theory, M. Ainsworth developed the assessment known as strange situation from which she could identify three attachment styles. Later, Mary Main added a fourth style to Ainsworth’s:

• Children who are securely attached usually become upset when their parents leave and show happiness when they return. When afraid, these children will seek comfort from their parents.Studies demonstrate that secure children are more empathetic during later stages of childhood and they are also described as less aggressive and more mature than children with ambivalent or avoidant attachment styles.


• Children with ambivalent attachment styles tend to be suspicious or afraid of strangers. They show considerable distress when separated from a parent, but they are not comforted by the return of the parent. Researchers link ambivalent insecure attachment to low parental availability and as these children grow older, they are described as clingy and over-dependent.


• Children who are avoidantly attached tend to avoid their parents, especially after a period of absence. They tend to ignore their parents and do not seek out comfort or contact. Children with an avoidant attachment could show no preference between a parent and a complete stranger.


• Children with a disorganized-insecure attachment style display a lack of attachment behavior. Their actions and responses to parents are a mix of behaviors, including avoidance or resistance. They are described as displaying confused behavior, sometimes seeming either puzzled or apprehensive in the presence of a parent.

Infant's attacment may not correspond to the attachment that people will express during their parenthood, but they can be influenced by. There is no doubt that parents’ education approach can and does make a difference in the development of their children, but it’s not the only factor that influences their growth: their own temperament, social life and cultural environment are other factors that can also impact the development of their little ones.

Concluding, it is relevant to be part of your children's development, listen to their needs, which are often not-communicated, and try to ensure you know the most about their lives, giving them love and space to explore the world.